The Manstress
“You don’t understand me.” An accusation from my Manstress.
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to say to my husband? “That’s what made me have this affair, it’s because you don’t understand me.” Holding my hands out wide in exasperation I crossed the room and held his face in my hands. “What is there to understand? Surely you didn’t expect anything more from this?” I laughed, it wasn’t a serious question and I didn’t want an answer.
Liam’s eyes were filling up so I dropped my hands and backed off quick. “Come on Liam, why the sudden histrionics?” I began to fiddle with the TV remote, hoping to divert an argument I’d never expected in a month of stolen Sundays.
Liam crossed to the window, standing with his back to me while he tried to regain his composure. I liked his shoulders; they were part of what had attracted me to him in the first place. Wide, angular man-boy shoulders like those of an Olympic swimmer, not yet fleshed out with grown-up years.
Drowning the silence with a soap opera theme tune I moved towards the kitchen of his tiny basement flat. “Got any beers in that badly stocked fridge of yours?” I ignored his lack of response and helped myself to one anyway; I didn’t bother to get him one. This was supposed to be my escape time, recreation, a bit of fun to drown out all the daily responsibilities that had ground me into this deception. Stress relief, that’s what the doctor had ordered so I’d refused the Prozac and created my own medication. The gorgeous young student who’d always stared at me in the local wine bar.
Paul hadn’t even noticed this tasty young morsel that appeared to hanker unashamedly after the older woman. He was too concerned with his golf handicap, how his shares were doing and which pension plan to choose. It wouldn’t have occurred to him in a million millenniums that I might want something more than a washed up broker whose pecs had retreated beneath sagging man-boobs. Yes he was hot once but now all I could see was Mr Boring Reliable who took me to be as boring and reliable as he was, well no more.
“Come on Liam.” I sounded like I was talking to one of my children and this was not sexy, this was not naughty or fun. The medication was wearing off. “Got a cigarette?” I knew I shouldn’t smoke but he was driving me to this. What I didn’t want was aggravation during my recreation time. I had a big deal to put to bed the next day, an upmarket chain of boutiques that wanted my exclusive collection of hand created jewellery. What I didn’t need was a petulant lover cramping my good mood. Paul would do enough of that when I got home. “Come on lover boy, come and amuse me with your tales of college and rugby scrums.” His youth, his merry cobalt eyes, his mocking mouth and hard curved belly, that’s what I longed for, not a stupid argument over whether I understood what he wanted from all this. That was far too like an argument for grown ups when here I was trying to recapture my youth.
My mobile bleeped, Liberty. “Mel Ellis, yes Liberty, what is it?” Taking a deep breath I looked over at Liam who had perched himself on the windowsill looking up at the street above. Probably trying to see up women’s skirts. I’d known his bad humour wouldn’t last long. “I can’t be there until ten so you’ll have to get all the figures ready for me. Put them in the clear plastic folder like I said and wear a short skirt, that’ll distract Monsieur Chigan from the less palatable figures!” I laughed; the irony being that Chigan was far too sharp to be distracted by anything. Liberty’s legs would be far too chunky for a Frenchman anyway. “Yes I’ll see you then.” I switched off the phone and sighed.
Liam had obviously decided to sulk and I wasn’t up for this, I might as well have gone to the gym. Glancing at my watch I decided it was getting too late for sex anyway. If we started anything now I wouldn’t make it home in time to see Miles before he went to bed. “I’m off in a minute Liam.” I hoped this would spur him into some kind of reaction but he just sat and stared upwards as if transfixed. “What are you looking at that’s so fascinating?” I stood up and started to walk over to him but he slid off the sill and turned towards me.
“So it’s all a bit of fun? I didn’t understand that, I seriously thought…” He faltered.
“That we would have a future together? Oh Liam please, I know you’re young but I didn’t think you were that naïve.” I smiled encouragingly to show I wasn’t angry with him but I hoped that this wasn’t going to get heavy again. I noted my reflection in his wall mirror decorated with little pint glasses stamped around the edge. My face glowed with good health, as it had done ever since I’d taken the plunge and invited this young man to become my lover.
Six months of bliss, my friends were beside themselves with curiosity and the few in the know, envy. You can’t be a woman and not tell someone. Shady Katie approved with great gusto. Porno Pearl thought Liam a tad tame. Outrageous Olivia wanted all the details, darling. These were the only trusted pals I dare share my indiscretion with, and then only because I had enough on them to bring their houses a tumbling down. The others, I knew, would give me disapproving cold shoulders.
“But what about poor Paul?” I could hear lanky Lydia chime with her holier-than-thou steely glare “he will be devastated.” Like I’d ever let him find out. Radical Ruth would be against the morals of it all despite her constant feminist stances on every issue. How would a die-hard lesbian understand the needs of a fervently heterosexual lady of today? Bah Humbug to equality, I want supremacy. Actually that’s somewhat pretentious, the stress relief excuse is more realistic and one that even Paul could probably understand. A bit of passion love, that’s all I wanted. I could see him nod his head while not listening. You know, we’re not exactly hot and crazy in the bedroom department these days, no animal growls to wake the kids from our neck of the quarter. How could he disagree with that?
He would no doubt argue illogically with some male pride, his ego had to be considered of course. But then why even go there? It would kill the thrill to lay all-bare to a wounded husband who no doubt was doing it on the sly himself anyway.
“I’m sorry Liam.” Suddenly I really did feel so. I wasn’t treating him very well; I was letting down the fairer sex by acting like some bloody-minded male. For goodness sake, whatever us women do, we end up being in the wrong somehow. Liam hadn’t deserved my cold-hearted usage of his heavenly body, not without paying some homage to his mind. He was after all a bright lad, studying political science, with strong opinions of his own. I smiled, I hoped with real sincerity though it was hard to remember what that was these days. I could imagine my younger niece Jade bringing him round for supper and moaning about him being immature. And she was only sixteen.
“I’ve been, well it’s difficult to explain, but well euphoric about being with you. I know it’s only been the odd snatched day or afternoon which is difficult for both of us but you…” I hesitated to use the word ‘understand’, given his earlier accusation. “You have to know I’m crazy about you. Relationships are always more physical to begin with.” I didn’t know how to continue, I was at risk of sounding like one of his lecturers. Besides, I wasn’t remotely interested in anything more than the physical. If I’d wanted intellectual debates around the living room fire, I’d have been satisfied with Paul. “Well what do you want?” There it was; I’d finally had to give in and ask the one question I didn’t want to, so very selfish, so very tedious.
Liam’s shaven head glinted with shades of blue black in the lamplight. I quite liked the continuous twilight of his underground flat. It seemed to make our secret safe.
“You make me feel like a kid when I’m not.” His deep voice grunted in older tones than his face portrayed. “Y’know at first, I felt in control, like a man.” He shifted uncomfortably and for the first time I acknowledged his status as an actual human being. I felt embarrassed.
“But you’re just using me.” His words were a slap of reality. Undeniable and sharply contrasting with the heady passion we had been sharing up until this day of reckoning. “Y’know.” I wished he’d stop using that sloppy teenage language. God I now wanted to leave so badly I’d started tapping a foot impatiently, I forced it to stop. I hoped he hadn’t noticed but as he struggled to find the words I noted his preoccupied expression. “Y’know, when I first saw you in the bar, I felt like I’d seen you before. It was like all this was meant to happen.”
Please God; don’t let him say he loves me. I thought this over and over and over again. It would give a delicious second of power followed by what? Stalking, pleading, an embarrassing and humiliating confession to Paul? Midnight silent phone calls. Red roses on Valentine’s Day oh please no.
“Mel.” Again a pause and I hoped he wouldn’t say ‘y’know’, again. “Where are we going with this?”
Surely he wasn’t going to ask me to leave Paul. How ridiculous was that? I lifted my face to his and thought about kissing him instead of answering. That was it, I’d been slow with distraction techniques today, he needed to be reminded the proper purpose of my visits. I smiled provocatively and reached for his hand. To my surprise he gave it. “Oh Liam, where do you want to go with this?” I made my voice silky as I pulled him down beside me. There really wasn’t time to go too far but I desperately needed to remind him of who was boss and how things really were. “Mmm?” I stroked his hand and stared deeply into his eyes, they flickered with confusion.
“You’re such a lovely intelligent… man.” I knew not to use the word boy and besides it didn’t seem healthy even though it was clearly appropriate. “You and me, well it’s just a thing. A bit of fun, it’s not mean to go anywhere.” I smiled. “You do know that you are the best thing to have happened to me in well longer than I can remember. You are gorgeous and handsome and everything any woman could want. But it can’t go anywhere; you wouldn’t want to be stuck with an old biddy like me. A few years from now and I’ll be taking up knitting just as you’re ready to start a family.” The pain of this reality hit me out of nowhere and I choked as I tried to grasp how to retract the statement. I tried to gauge his reaction but his face appeared closed to my remonstration.
“I felt truly flattered when you responded to my advances, you know that don’t you? But I’m married and one day you’ll understand all the implications of that daft old institution.” I tried to keep my voice light but it didn’t sound entirely sincere. It was a daft old institution. The thought of being with Paul in crippling old age daunted my progress with an illuminating shadow of fear. But what of the alternative? A young super fit Liam, with an eye out for the ladies who didn’t have sagging breasts and cellulite around their bellies, not to mention the dreaded crow’s feet. Unlike Paul I would be super sensitive to my lover’s fragilities.
“I can’t offer you anything except now Liam. I’m sorry.” It sounded hopeless. It was hopeless. Oh where had the glamour gone? And so soon, my first foray into infidelity already a disaster. I hadn’t thought Liam would think of our liaison as anything more than I had, fun and frolics for as long as we could get away with it.
“I didn’t think you would.” He said this slowly as if still thinking out his response. I imagined he was trying to regain some manly credibility. Poor boy. “I mean I thought, I think, that perhaps I went into this too quickly.” The words slurred through his adorable mouth. All I wanted to do was kiss him and say goodbye and look forward to our next meeting. It would be easier; I’d booked us a night in a delightful country hotel. No worries about time, just the
two of us. Somehow I had the feeling this afternoon was setting out to destroy this future plan. My stomach knotted with disappointment.
“Y’know, I like you very much but well I can see what is happening.” Could he? For the first time I was caught off guard. He was intelligent certainly but emotionally mature enough to be ahead of the game? I had dismissed him out of hand it seemed. No fun recounting this one to the girls. They had relished all the juicy near misses. Paul had come home too early one day and Liam had to leg it out of the conservatory in only his boxers. Another time Lydia had spotted us at a restaurant and I had to explain my attractive young companion as a distant nephew. Lydia would buy anything if you were assertive enough.
“Yeah, you don’t understand me, but I understand you very well. You want a bit of fun with no strings, just like we agreed. And I like that but I can see where we’re going to end up and I don’t like it. Y’know I have a girlfriend.”
A slap across the jawbone with chunkily ringed knuckles couldn’t have hurt more and I wasn’t prepared in any way shape or form, he’d given no hint of a girlfriend. Why did it suddenly matter? It had never crossed my mind. Why should it matter? After all, who was I to say he should be singular for my enjoyment. Check mate.
“I get that you like to think this is a cool game and you’re buying my affections but I have a life already. What, you think I was happy to play, now let me see, what is the opposite of Mistress? How about Manstress? I’ve listened to you go on and on about how men have it all, so why shouldn’t you? How I’m your ‘medication.’ Yeah, it’s been fun but you don’t understand that I can drop you as easy as I picked you up. I don’t need the complications that this is bringing me. I’ve fallen in love with my girlfriend, she’s my age and yeah, you were right, we have no future in this.
In fact, I feel a bit disgusted at myself that I allowed it to happen.” He expelled a long pent up breath, it had taken a lot for him to say all this, of that I was sure.
Silently I got up, trying to keep my composure. I smiled as kindly as I could manage. “So, I misunderstood, I’m sorry Liam. I truly am.” My ego crawled behind me across the floor; it had developed a decided limp.
Back home Paul was full of his new assistant and I wondered. Miles sat quietly finishing his supper, his shaggy fringe flopping around his luminous green eyes. I sort of felt relieved that I didn’t have to find an excuse to leave the next evening. No more clandestine meetings. No Liam.
Paul flopped in front of the TV, the remote firmly grafted onto his right hand. “Anything on?” He said as if I should know.
“Got to prepare for a meeting tomorrow.” I stuttered out the words as if he needed the explanation.
“Good oh. That deal thing is it, with the French chappie?” He still managed to make my business sound like a housewife’s little hobby even after all my successes, the hours I worked; the money that rolled in. I thought for a moment about telling of my infidelity. I imagined his shock should I get his attention away from Jeremy Clarkson for more than a minute. He raised his head toward me and I nodded.
“That’s right. Won’t be long.” I watched him for a moment. Glasses perched at the end of his nose, newspaper on one knee and fingers working the remote as if it were a matter of life or death that he find something to watch. How many more years of this? I’d have to find another Liam or I would surely go mad.
I’d read all the agony aunts. You’ve got to work at a relationship, they said. Recapture the romance, buy some sexy underwear, book a weekend away. I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see Paul hanging on my every word, ripping off my clothes with wanton abandonment. Nor would I want him to. I shuddered.
How to find another Liam? I stared at my lovely face in the mirror. I was still attractive, a little worn but if that had attracted Liam then surely it could attract others too.
Reality strikes harder at night. I couldn’t get comfortable physically as my brain rattled around the problem of how to replace Liam. I desperately needed to sleep or I’d resemble a hag by dawn. If I let time flow away there would be no man who would look at me, an older man just wouldn’t do. This wasn’t about grown up relationships with complications. I needed an outlet for all the frustrations that welled with daily life, a re-affirmation of my youth.
It drove me insane to hear single girlfriends prattle on about finding ‘Mr Right’, their dating agency nightmares and never-ending disappointments. I thought my request so much simpler than theirs.
Paul shuffled into the room. “You all right?”
“Yes, I just can’t seem to get off to sleep.”
“Yup, I heard you sigh. Everything ok?”
I wanted to cry. Me cry? How ridiculous. “Mmm. Need to sleep that’s all.”
“Want one of my pills?”
I didn’t, I wanted Liam.
“Ah Monsieur Chigan!” I held out my hand as his custom of course dictated he should kiss it. My eyes felt tight and sore, so I wore thick-framed glasses and only briefly looked him in the eye. Not good when trying to do business. Damn that boy. “Coffee?”
Monsieur declined while I gulped three cups of Expresso one after another.
Two hours later and my head thumped hideously. Liberty rattled a box of tablets under my nose. “You should take one, you look like death.” I snatched them out of her hand and popped a couple into my mouth. It took a while but the pain did eventually subside. “I need some fresh air. I’ll go for a walk. Can you arrange a taxi for Monsieur Chigan.”
I didn’t have an umbrella and it began to rain. I couldn’t even feel happy about the deal I’d just struck. How did men manage to put their feelings into boxes and shut out emotional rubbish while us women seemed to worry at everything all the time? I suddenly felt so angry I caught my breath.
An elderly woman gazed at me. “You’re getting awfully wet dear.” She said.
“It’s only bloody water,” I snapped, feeling instantly ashamed. “I’m sorry.” I strode on and on, through puddles, across roads, past the park, I vaguely heard school children laugh in the
distance but none of it registered in my consciousness. How dare the little brat turn me away, he damn well knew what it was all about. I’d told him at the beginning how it was. Why the sudden about face? I’d paid for his books, designer shirts, a new watch; I’d enjoyed every moment of spoiling him and so had he. I slowed down, beginning to get breathless. This is what I had to get used to, I was being dumb, yes, had lost the plot. A young mother tending to a small child swaddled in its pushchair glanced up with a ready smile and I smiled back. There simply wasn’t time for self-indulgent behaviour, wallowing in disappointment would not bring results.
My mobile bleeped, Liberty. “Yes I’m coming back.” Dripping and perspiring I turned on my heel and half jogged back to the office. I’d be ok, I always was. Tonight I had book club, tomorrow a boozy dinner with the girls, the ones in the know. I smiled, I’d keep this little blip to myself and present them with details of a new model soon enough, a businesswoman like me would relish the challenge. Liam had pretty much fallen into my lap, a chase would be much more exhilarating. I’d have to find a good hunting ground and trap the right prey carefully. I heard someone laugh and it was me, I realised the tense knot in my stomach had released and a new warmth of anticipation begun.
I dried my hair under the hand drier in the loo, and then slicked my bob back into place with a fingertip of smoothing cream Liberty had the genius to place in the ‘in case of emergencies’ cabinet. A quick dab at mascara smudges, a little lipstick and my demeanour had returned to its casual chic best.
Striding into my office, head held high I stopped dead as the door slammed shut. “Er, who are you?” I addressed the young man sprawled casually in my high-backed leather chair. He wasn’t a freelance designer, I knew them all and Liberty hadn’t mentioned any meetings other than Chagin for the day. No temp would risk annoying the boss on the first day of appointment or any day after that by being so presumptuous as to sit in her chair. I didn’t know quite what to say as my mind rapidly worked over the possibilities of who this might be.
He proffered a hand across the desk. “Marcus.”
Very long eyelashes flickered flirtatiously about eyes as grey as the North Sea, auburn hair curled Romanesque across his short forehead, appropriate, I thought for his name. “The replacement.” He smiled, barely whispering the words. “Liam said…”
I marvelled at the whiteness of his molars, such clean beautiful youth, enjoyed the arrogant way he lolled in my chair, instantly took to the obvious humour dancing about his mouth. Surely not, I couldn’t believe that the tearful Liam I had left the day before would have sorted out a replacement so rapidly; he must have had this on his mind longer than I had any indication of his discomfort. I half laughed at the audacity of his certainty, wondering how many young souls he had canvassed for this position. It was hard to know what to say or do, given the circumstance. But I had a busy agenda, plans to write up, contracts to read, and a table to book for dinner with my friends. How convenient was this? There were enough challenges in my life already, I felt immediately grateful to Liam for my gift.
“Well the first thing you need to learn is that my office is out of bounds.”
Copyright Petra Kidd11 – Please note these stories are fictional.
